Thanks to Etta Rosen for this article.

 

Sibling Rivalry

 

One of the most common complaints about children is how much they fight with their brothersand/or sisters. Experts agree that this is an important and normal part of growing up which helps children to learn important social skills. Siblings learn how to compromise, negotiate and forgive through their conflicts. Sibling rivalry also teaches basic lessons of competition. Children learn how to compete in the safety of home, gaining confidence to compete outside the home.  Children express their frustration with other events in their life by fighting with their siblings. It is safer to be angry with a brother or sister than with a parent, a teacher, or a friend. Even if the children are benefiting, it is still hard on the adults. Here are some tips to help ease the tension:

 

•Treat children as individuals whenever possible or practical. Children have different interests and preferences and these should be respected. Making one child always go with another child’s choice can create resentment.

 

 

 

•Children need special time when they can have an adult’s attention all to themselves. This is hard to do but well worth the extra effort.

 

 

•Catch the children being good and comment on it. Remember to praise sharing and cooperation when it occurs.

 

 

•Many fights occur just to get an adult’s attention. Let children resolve their differences by themselves whenever possible. Keep a watchful eye to be sure no one gets hurt in the process.

 

 

•When children fight it is important to recognize the feelings behind the fighting. Encourage children to use words to express their feelings. As an adult, explain your own feelings and don’t yell or grab the children.

 

 

•Sending children in different directions can help them to cool off, but trying to break up fights and figure out who is right and who is wrong can often make the situation worse.

 

 

•Help children to find an outlet for their feelings such as drawing a picture, or running around the yard, punching a pillow or yelling into a cup.

 

 

•Sometimes children want to talk about what is making them fight. Ask them to tell you what happened, but make sure that they start each sentence with the word “I” rather than “he” or “she.” This helps them to understand and take responsibility for their own feelings and actions.

 

 

•If children are struggling over the sharing of toys, it is okay to put some toys in a box and say those particular toys do not need to be shared.

It is especially difficult when there is a new baby taking adult attention. Older children may act more babyish or try to hurt the baby. Tell the child that you understand that it is hard to share his parents, his au pair, and his space, and that he is doing a good job of trying. Don’t give an older child too much responsibility – it may seem much more appealing to be a helpless baby than a big brother or sister.