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From Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions<\/strong><\/p>\n Why do kids talk back? We\u2019re all hard-wired with a need for POSITIVE power -\u2013 the ability to have some control over our lives. When parents over-protect, over-demand, or constantly order, correct and direct their kids\u2026 they strip them of independence and personal power.<\/p>\n The only way our kids know to respond is to fight back. It\u2019s a basic fight or flight response. They can\u2019t easily flee (your food and shelter are way better than they can afford on their own), so they fight back with backtalk, attitude, negotiating, arguing, stomping away, eye rolling, etc.<\/p>\n All kids, toddlers through teens, seek to exert their independence -\u2013 it\u2019s what they\u2019re supposed to do. Our goal as parents is to foster their independence within our limits and without the back talk.<\/p>\n Here are five tips to help you reduce backtalk in your house.<\/strong><\/p>\n Own your role:<\/strong> Power struggles that lead to backtalk are a two-way street and parents and au pairs also play a starring role. Be aware of your day in and day out communication with your kids (and your spouse, for that matter!) Watch your tone of voice and minimize the amount of ordering, correcting and directing you do. No one wants to be \u201cbossed around\u201d all day and the natural reaction is to fight back.<\/p>\n Remember, it\u2019s not about \u201cwinning\u201d the battle. It\u2019s about recognizing that your child needs more control over her life and helping her find ways to have positive power within your boundaries.<\/p>\n Fill the attention basket:<\/strong> Kids of all ages have an attention basket -\u2013 plain and simple. If they don\u2019t get sufficient positive attention, they will use negative behaviors to provoke us until they get our attention. From their perspective, negative attention is better than no attention at all. Fill their attention baskets in positive ways by spending one-on-one time with your kids daily. It doesn\u2019t have to be a long time \u2013 just 10 minutes when they have your undivided time and attention (if the phone rings, don\u2019t answer\u2026 if your Blackberry chirps, let it go.) As you fill their attention baskets positively and proactively, your kids will become more cooperative and less likely to provoke power struggles.<\/p>\n Finding a spare 10 minutes to spend with each child can seem daunting in a busy non-stop life, but think of it as an \u201cinvestment\u201d in good behavior, a calmer home and less backtalk.<\/p>\n Give power to the people: <\/strong>Find ways to give your people the positive power they need. Provide more choices \u2014 within your family boundaries \u2013- so they can have more control over their world. To a toddler, power means choosing between a Batman and Spiderman toothbrush. To a teenager, it can be allowing him to decide which restaurant the family goes to on Saturday night.<\/p>\n Chill out: Don\u2019t overreact!<\/strong> Kids talk back to get a reaction. When you get upset and respond with \u201cyou will not talk to me that way, young man\u201d, they score with a power payoff.<\/p>\n Instead, get eye to eye and very calmly say, \u201cI feel hurt\/disrespected when you speak to me that way. When I hear that tone of voice, I\u2019m going to walk away. I\u2019ll be happy to talk with you when we can speak to each other respectfully.\u201d<\/p>\n Then \u2013 walk away! The next time it happens, don\u2019t remind; don\u2019t say a word. Just calmly walk away. It sends the message, \u201cI won\u2019t participate in this power struggle with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/strong>Kids talk back for a variety of reasons. They may be testing your limits or trying to get a reaction. Perhaps they\u2019re hungry, tired or just having a bad day. However, if backtalk is frequent, it\u2019s usually the child\u2019s way of exerting his power and saying \u201cYou\u2019re not the boss of me.\u201d<\/p>\n
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